Funny Bollywood

[Angel]

Before Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun Banega Crorepati Star plus has taken some auditions for anchor, here are a few new auditions for the show.

Nana Patekar : Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega. Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Shatrughan Sinha : Khamosh ! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Dharmendra : Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

Amrish Puri : Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua!

Amjad Khan : Kitne options the Chaar! Soover ke bachchon! Chaar chaar options! Bahut na-insaafi hai! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kaya hoga kaaliya?

Sanjay Dutt : Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

Raj Kumar : Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.

Jagdeep : Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.

Mithun Chakraborty : Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.

Kesto Mukherji : Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai. Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Jeetendra : Lekin kyoon? ( groan ) Aap aisa kyoon kar rahe hai? (whine) Aap kabhi bhi game **** kar jaa sakte hai.

Ashok Kumar : To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp ), yahan se Rs. 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log ( croak )

[Angel]

The Filmi Style Love - Letter
From : Hero No.1

Subject: Yeh Prem Patra Padhkar, Tum Naraz Na Hona...

Adress:Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear 'Anamica':
You must be surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
'Pahechan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
'Awaara', I am also your 'Deewana'.
I am making you a 'Prarthna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any 'Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
'Dream Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only 'Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeela' way.
Wouldn't you like to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.
We will live in 'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar'. In this
'Himalay Ki God Mein', our 'Bandhan' is going to tied with 'Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this 'Baazigar' be your
'Boy Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat'. This 'Chahat' is going to lead
to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, 'Phir Kab Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
'Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening in Paris'.
'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
'Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

-- A Prem Pujaari

[Angel]

If Titanic Was Made In India

•There would be 10 times as many people in the ship

•There would be a song with Kate Winslett in a white sari, singing in the rain.

•By the end of the movie, hero would find his long lost Mom, Dad, sis and bhai

•It would be a seven-and-a-half-hour movie with three intervals. The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya to Marna Kya?"

•The hero and the heroine would float in the cold water for days and still survive while the villain would die in the first few drops.

•The iceberg was sent by the heroine’s father to teach a lesson to the hero.

•None of the women would float because of the saris.

•The orchestra would play Jai Santoshi Maa and a ray of light would come and transport the musicians to another ship.

•And can you imagine how many times we would heard bachaoo?

[Angel]

BOLLYWOOD CALLCENTRE
=================

Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao

jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh

likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga..

Dharmendra: Thank you for callllllliiiiingggg.....
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa...
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep

hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To ***** (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...


Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega....

Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai

manager... manager se hum nahi...

Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone....

[Angel]

Rules for Bollywood films:
1) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
3) Nothing is too tight for Madhuri.
4) The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
5) Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
6) Village girls who live among cows and sheep have perfect skin and teeth.
7) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the chick.
8) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero with machine guns, yet they will always miss. Every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will knock down at least ten opponents in a line.
9) If you decide to start dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.
10) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) You can always find a trimurti when you need one. (as in Anjaam)
12) If faced with certain death, do not panic. Merely chant, Ganpati Baba, and after a few short bolts of lightning, all will be well.
13) A heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one song, however short.


Have you ever wondered what would be in "Titanic" if the same was made
in Bollywood?

The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay". Well here it goes!

* Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as JJJJJ JJJ
Jack.Madhuri's fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man"
everytime he sees Shahrukh.

* Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain
and would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would
not
die.

* Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from
college plus 50 extras who are well trained with every dance sequence in
the world.

* The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of
editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in CD album.

* The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in
movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta.
The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of
excessive on-board population.

* The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced
with
a song in the Swiss Alps.

* Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during
chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will
also get a song or two.

* Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our
case,Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving along a
creek and the water stinks!

* How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting
Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors
yaar!).
This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in a
art
gallery.

* Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the
ship.Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how
Gulshan troubled them. Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon
peejaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.

* There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Annu
Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.

* Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo"
would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.And the
masterpiece would be waste of time...ooops waste of money without...

* "Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda
dekhnachahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha ke
liye bahoootdoor le le."


How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?...with some shady inputs

The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon." abi saala school ka admission ka jhanjhat, chaddi diaper etc
The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in Hindi films :" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...." The idiot may not have heard of credit cards.
A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say : "Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....." To itna din kya hila raha tha
Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein." lekin aap ka woh nahi
Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti " tho maar jaa saaali
Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai" followed cheers cheers
Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai" again cheers cheers
Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh sau****h leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga." Geeta is the shahi kaamwali
Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey" saala mera promotion
Raam Raam kaaka" * " Jug Jug jiyo beta "
Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe " no wonder Tezaab was a hit
Typical farmer ka dialogue : " mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai " kya karegaa barsaat hui nahi na
Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : " Main kahan hoon?" Grant Road mein
Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein" chalo Zohrabai ke ghar

[Angel]

This is when Amitabh Bachchan got fit after his long illness.....

One fine morning he told his drvier
"Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge.., tum peechhe baitho"

Driver said, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."

Amitabh replied, "Are meri tabyat thik ho gayi hai, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau?, dialogue, fighting karke dikhau?.....Hain?"

Ok then he starts driving the car very fast....zoooooooooom

Breaks one red signal...

Breaks second red signal....

Breaks one more red signal...

Then a traffic Hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road.

Hawaldar said, "Aye Driver! Chalo liscence dikhao, PUC aur Gaadi ke kagzaaat bataao..."

Then he see amitabh "Aray! Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is very surprised to see him....

Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....

Hawaldar - "Sir, aap jaldi yaha aa jaaiye... naake par..."

Senior Official - "Kyun kya hua??"

Havaldar - "Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda hai, aur maine us gaadi ko side me khada rakha hai"

Senior Official - "Haan! To phir?"

Hawaldar - "Sir, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi hai sir.... mein uska chalaan nahi faad sakta aap khud yahaa aaiye.., ho sake to Commissioner Sahab ko bhee le aaiye"

Senior Official - "Kyun? Kaun MAALIK Hai uss gaadi ka?"

Hawaldar - "Woh To Pata Nahi Sir par Usne hai na sir..AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI....".

[Angel]

Q What would you call Shahrukh Khan if he owns a bread-making bakery?

A "Don" Breadman.

[Angel]

Q What would Ekta Kapoor say about Randhir Kapoor?

A Karishma Kapoor Ka Kanyadaan Karnewala, Khandani Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor Ke Kousins Ka Kaka.

[Angel]

PROFESSOR
****hi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI
****hi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,
par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai.
Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI
Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT
Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.
MUNNA BHAI
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai,
aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL
Ullu to raat ko bolta hai,
aaj din mein kaise bol pada?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe.
Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, tu kitna pada hai?
MAMU
B.A.
MUNNA BHAI
Sala, two akshar pada aur woh bhi ulta?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CIRCUIT
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

[Endever(Ndvr)]

PERFECT HILARIOUS MATERIAL..

THANKS FOR IT. (SORRY TO SAY, MST PPL DNT RECOGNISE IMP OF THINGS OTHER THAN THE MOST COMMON ONES)

NEWAY, KEEP IT UP, GREAT.

THANKS >>>>

ENDEVER --- [RAHUL]

[Angel]

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and started shouting: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai woh loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya ".

Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai."

Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?"

Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai."

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.

Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: "Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya hai, Ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate."

Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch bhi kar sakte hain."

Jay hits his keyboard,then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya ."
AT GABBAR'S DEN...

Gabbar: "Kitne bugs the?"
Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega ...aur increment bhi? Iski saza milegi... barobar milegi."

[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]. "Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?"

Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."

Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai." [logout - logout - logout]. "Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga" Kaalia?"

Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."
Gabbar: "To ab documentation kar!

Ha...... Ha...... Ha...... Ha...... Ha...... Ha......

Ha.............................................

[rajsharma_85]

nice!

[Angel]

Munna Bhai

Objective:

To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)

Education:

* B.S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
* M.S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.

Thesis:

"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"

Coursework:

Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented Crime Design

Work Experience:

* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint flavors (Patent# 007,13,666)

Summer Internship:

Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990

* Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings
* Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta Collections

Honors & Achievements:

* Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime)
* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter
* Performer of the year in 2004 General Elections in Bihar & U.P.
* Strong hold on Govt. & NGOs.
* Specialized in extortion,illegal construction business & fake academic degree supply.

References:

* Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai

[Angel]

http://www.indiafm.com/templates/default/images/hp/clear.gif http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/miss1.jpg

While we're the first to admit that we love it that Bollywood has finally discovered the importance of storylines, scripts and realism (of a sort), a little bit of us still yearns for the good old day pre-nineties, when the words. “Hindi Movies” were synonymous with the words “high dramas'.

True, till the late Eighties, Hindi films tended to be nothing but a mass of clichés. But the fact is, those clichés existed because we loved them. Those days, it didn't matter if the first day first show flick we battled to get tickets for bore more than a striking resemblance to last week's first day, first show flick. Even when the hero, heroine, villain, evil henchmen, Mother, mother-in-law and mandatory funny person of this week's film said and did exactly the same things as the character of last week's film, we felt for them. We settled into our seats and cheered them, booed them, wept with them, laughed with them and put our faith in God for them.

Which is why, roughly twenty years after the last wail of the heroine, a simple village belle, as she ran after the train that took her hero, the simple village boy, from his gaon to the big, bad she her, we at Brunch have just two words to say about Hindi movies of yore. ”Mat jao!”

Join us as we remember in the first part of this special write-up on 25 of Bollywood's biggest clichés. (And also make a few suggestions for those filmmakers of today who are anxious to clamber on to the retro bandwagon).

1. ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, THE HERO

Back when psychologists, 'life coaches' and '3 am friends' did not exist, who else could the characters in Hindi movies go to with their problems but God? And unlike psychologists, 'life coaches' and '3 am friends', God not only listened, but worked miracles. The moment the idol emitted a ray of light, we knew all would be well. The blind person would get his/her eyesight back; the sick person would be right with the world.

2. VILLAIN OF THE PIECE

Almost always dressed in a peculiar outfit, the villain was the most technology-friendly person in a hindi movie. His den (he always had a den) was a miracle of gadgetry. Doors would slide open and shut of their own, and, should the villain need to eliminate anyone, he just had to press a button and the room would fill with poisonous gas. Often he had a pet crocodile or shark that could be fed with a couple of his victims.

Contemporary twist: Since villains today must be cool, he can be an IT person cum wildlife enthusiast. Sick of staying up all night writing software for constantly- complaining foreign clients, he dashers off into the jungles, kidnaps foreign people who make rude remarks about Indians in the BPO services, and feeds them to tigers. This way, he saves the cattle of innocent villagers from being eaten.

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/miss2.jpg

3. SONIC BOOM

Before Bollywood became sophisticated, you could watch a Hindi film even if you were blindfolded. The sound effects alone would tell you who was doing what to whom and how. For instance, you never needed to watch a fight sequence to know that someone was being beaten to a pulp. You heard “Dishum, dishuuuuum”. And if you heard “Kuttey! Main tera khoon pi jaoonga! ” you even knew Dharmendra was responsible for all the blood.

4. DIALOUGE BAAZI

Unlike the movies of today, characters in the Hindi films of old did not do anything as boring as talk. Instead, they had 'dialogues' composed of finely crafted statements. Which gave us a variety of one liners in every film, many of which we use today. Isn't it lovely, for instance, to be able to fix the boss who's threatening to fire you with a level gaze, and say: “Hum gareeb zaroor hain, lekin hamari bhi izzat hai”? Don't you, the boss, wish you could show your true colours with a “Mogambo khush hua” when your junior finally delivers his report?

Contemporary twist: Old-time dialogues can still be used. For instance, now that most of us live away from home, we are always able to say “Maa” in the heartfelt tones that heroes usually reserved for their mothers. And while it is unlikely that our mothers will be threatened by villains and have therefore to spit “Yeh badle ki aag ab tere khoon se hi bhujegi, kamine. Aur yeh badla mera beta lega”, chances are that Maa - who is one tough chick - will accompany us to our offices, fix our bosses with an unyielding eye and snarl: “Agar ma ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa.” Which will give us all the more reason to announce: “Mere paas maa hai”.

5. BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

We don't know why heroes treated their parents with so much reverence in the old days. Because a lot of them were remarkably careless, often losing one child or the other at the hospital, a mela or during a storm/ earthquake/ railway accident. Sometimes even under a statue, as in Amar Akbar Anthony. So we had a variety of misplaced siblings: Twins separated at birth (Ram Aur Shyam, Seeta Aur Geeta), princes separated at birth (Dharam Veer), mislaid brothers (Yaadon ki Baraat, Waqt, Geraftar, Johnny Mera Naam) etc.

Fortunately, the parents always gave their mislaid children some means of identification for the future: a two-rupee note torn in two, each twin getting one half; or twin tattoos, one on each child, or half a locket each or even a song, as in Yaadon ki Baraat. This presumably, was because the parents knew that the instant the grown-up children met, they would have homicide on their minds thanks to years o suppressed sibling rivalry. Fratricide could be avoided on production and comparison of the torn note / broken locket / tattoo / line of song.

Contemporary twist: Since parents these days are not as careless as parents of old - or a least, are able to track their children by their mobile phones - the mislaid siblings plot makes no sense. However, filmmakers can make movies featuring mad scientists who clone people, not sheep, and thus give us Seeta Aur Geeta 2007.

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/miss3.jpg

[Angel]

6. INSAAF KA TARAZU

When Bollywood's cops of the Seventies bellowed statements like “Apne aap ko kanoon ke haawale kar do”, could we get away without a court scene in the practically every film? No way. To begin with, no courtroom was ever free of random bystanders who had nothing better to do than watch trials of people they knew nothing about. Of course, there was no daytime TV then, so presumably these people found the courtrooms the best entertainment option. And let's face it, these courtrooms were entertaining. What with lawyers leaping of their chairs as though someone had sets bombs off beneath them, yelling “Objection milord”; the many figures of Justice, scales in her hand, keeping a stern (if blindfolded) eye on the proceedings; and, if the judge pronounced a death sentence, the breaking of the nib of his pen. The death sentence of course was very important. “Taze rate Hind, dafaa 302 ke tahit, mulzim ko sazaye maut milti hai, to be hanged until death!”

7. THE IN-LAW TURNED OUTLAW

The female version of the villain as never the vamp. Oh no. It was the truly evil mother-in-law, best played by Lalita Pawar. One look for her and even the toughest bahu collapsed in a heap. Constantly scheming against the bahu - though no one had a clue why the wicked mother-in-law was always humbled at the end, and begged for forgiveness: “Mujhe maaf kar do beti”. Even more baffling than the mother-in-laws nastiness (which seemed to steam from nothing more than the fact that she was a mother-in-law) was the bahu's ability to actually forgive her. Truly astounding.

Contemporary twist: As television serials mostly beginning with the letter k have appropriated the evil saas character, today's filmmakers should ideally create an evil modern mother - one who as she runs a business empire, plots the takeover of the world, not her daughter's jewellery. The judge would announce. And if the hero, who had been wrongly accused, was freed (“baaizzat bari kiya jaata hai”), there would be a big family reunion in the court itself after the pronouncement.

Contemporary twist: Given the excitement that court cases these days, the courtroom scene can be shifted outside with thousands of people sending SMSes in favour of or against the accused.

8. LAND HO!

While technology (and crocodile) loving villains inhabited the bigger cities, in the villages the villain was the thakur or zamindar who, together with his lathi-wielding henchmen, roamed the countryside in open jeeps, extorted money from poor farmers, and raped every woman he laid his eye

on. Contemporary twist: unnecessary. Scenes like this in today's movies would be lauded as realistic.

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/miss4.jpg

9. DAAKUGIRI

Typically dressed in dhotis and kurtas with bullet belts strapped to their chests, long tilaks on their foreheads and with horses for transport, daakus mainly inhabited ravines and passed their time looting villages and kidnapping woman. What they did with the valuables they stole no one knows. Let's face it, a ravine is not a good place to go shopping. However, as Sunil Dutt said in Mujhe Jeene Do, “Tu bhi daaku, main bhi daaku. Mujhe kanoon nahin chhodega, main tujhe nahin chhodoonga.”

10. ROBE OF HONOUR

What was the best way to show powerful and authoritative a wealthy man could be? Put him in a dressing gown of course - a rich affair of brocade - plant him on the sweeping staircase of his manor (sometimes accessorised with a large cigar), and have him ban his daughter from marrying the poor (but proud) young man she'd managed to find under some stone. If the daughter tossed her head and threw Daddy's words back in his face, Daddy then summoned the poor (but proud) young man and said: “Yeh lo pachchaas hazaar rupai aur meri beti ko bhool jao.” To which the poor (but as was now proved, proud) young man replied: “Aap mujhe khareedna chahte hain? Mera pyaar bikau nahin hai!”

[Angel]

http://www.indiafm.com/templates/default/images/hp/clear.gif http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/ramu1.jpg

“Yeh Maa banne waali hai”, “O Ramu Kaaka, zara idhar to aana”, “Ae pardesi babu” and “Inko dava ki nahin dua ki zaroorat hai” are some of the most oft heard Hindi film dialogues. In other words, they are your most prevalent clichés or stereotypes. The flowers coming together to signify the merging of aching lips, a fateful monsoon night when 'mann aur tan ka milan' takes place followed by fertile pregnancy, the village belle dancing and prancing in full youth, shying and simpering away to glory, the quintessential rape which has given many a villain their only identity, that glorious song on the grand piano as the camera pans and circles in joy and of course the beastly tales of good animal nature. Coming to think of it we all love and enjoy the Bollywood clichés of the repetitive kinds. Don't we! Read on….

11. GANG OF GIRLS

In the Sixties, heroines always went for picnics with a gaggle of their sahelis on bicycles, singing all the way. The sahelis, of course were never as good-looking as the heroine. Surrounded by a gang of his own friends (also on bicycles), the hero always followed the girls, leading to much of what was called chheda-chhedi

12. THE VILLAGE BELLE

Just as every film in the days of yore had its hero, heroine, villain, mother and mandatory funny person (the mandatory funny person, by the way, was usually quite stout), it also had its village belle. Invariably dressed in a short ghagra with a really tiny choli, she usually wandered around the village at will, saucily chewing on a ganna. The village belle, often played by Asha Parekh and Mala Sinha, was pert but chaste and innocent. The village thakur or lecherous moneylender usually lusted after her. But her heart was always set on the “sheheri babu / pardesi” (city boy). He too was in love with her, but would have to go back to the city.

13. TIE A YELLOW RIBBON

If it weren't for his sister, we'd never have known how much the hero loved his family. No matter what the hero loved got up to - and sometimes, even though he was the hero, he did some pretty rebellious things - we knew his values were intact because the never forget Rakshabandhan and his promise to protect his sister. This meant, however, that whenever the hero and villain found themselves in conflict, the hero's sister was in grave danger. In fact, pretty often, as in Jigar, she'd be raped.

14. MUSIC FOR THE SAVAGE BREAST

It's a classic scene - the hero's (or hero's friends) birthday party and the heroine, torn between two lovers. One lover would vent his emotions by spreading his fingers lavishly over the keys of a handy grand piano, the other would stand in corner, face half hidden by shadows, brooding. And if the lover at the piano truly loved the heroine but was willing to give her up for his friend, he'd sing a happy song. Contemporary twist: The lover at the piano could sing a weepy song on talent search reality shoe, win crores, and make a career in film music.

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/ramu2.jpg

15. RAMU KAKA

Whether the hero's family was rich or poor, the old family retainer (who always wore a gamcha over his shoulders) called Ramu Kaka was always there. Ramu kaka never had much to say beyond “Beta, dudh pi lo.” But everyone loved him nonetheless.

16. POWER WITHOUT GLORY

“Bhagwan ke liye chhod mujhe! Kuttey, kameeney!” We heard those words more often then we like to remember in movies where villains, simply to prove they were men of power, tried to rape every woman in sight. “Itni acchi cheez ko bhagwan ke liye chhod doon?” was the rapist's almost invariable reply. The women in these scenes were often sister of heroes used as pawns in the hero-villain conflict, but sometimes heroines as well. The rape victim was usually dressed in a saree and her pallu, blouse and pleats would be ripped off in that order.

17. DOCTOR, DOCTOR

Typically, he was soberly dressed in a black coat and carried a small black bag that contained mysterious medical things. Sometimes, he wore his stethoscope around his neck. His three most famous dialogues were “Inko davaa ki nahin, dua ki zaroorat hai”, “Davaa ki zaroorat hai” and “Injection de diya hai, thodi der main hosh aa jayega.” However, the doctor dialogue we miss most of all is the one that referred to his fee: “Iski kya zaroorat hai?” we would welcome that line back open arms.

18. KISS FROM A ROSE - I

In the olden days, no one had sex. The only thing our hero and heroine could do after they'd whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears was contemplate Nature. As a gentle breeze wafted over the meadow in which our hero and heroine cooed, two roses swayed towards each other. Contemporary twist: Since it has been acknowledged now that people have sex, it seems pointless to replace Emraan Hashmi with flower motif from an environmental point of view.

19. KISS FROM A ROSE - II

Since no one had sex, we have no explanation for the elaborate arrangements that were always made for suhaag raat : A bed strewn with flowers, the heavily bejeweled bride under a ghunghat, the groom in a sherwani and a photograph of a child with a finger on its lips (shhhh!) on the wall. But the scene as we saw it (though we never saw much of it because the bedside lamp always went off in about 20 seconds) went this way: Once the groom had lifted the bride's ghunghat, tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes, the flowers on the bed swayed towards each other as the bride and groom lay down and read an improving book (which explains the photograph of the child with a finger on its lips - this room was actually a library).

[Angel]

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/ramu3.jpg

20. EK RAAT KI BHOOL

Though sex did not exist in Hind movies, there was the occasional illegitimate child who was always conceived on a bark and stormy night. Our hero and heroine's car breaks down in a storm and they find shelter in a daak bungalow in the middle of nowhere. The daak bungalow is minus chowkidaar but stocked with vast amount of firewood which our hero uses to lay a fire. As our heroine ducks behind a screen to wrap herself in a handy sheet, our hero, having taken off his shirt, catches tantalizing glimpses of her. The flames in the fire place soar higher. Since no one told them about safe sex, this one night of passion leads to a baby something that is discovered, when our heroine throws up one morning, by an old aunt who announces: “Yeh maa banne wali hai”.

Contemporary twist: As our hero and heroine make their way to a secluded cabin in the mountain, filmmakers will show them stopping at a chemist's shop to buy condoms. Simple.

21. THE WOMAN IN WHITE

Long before the Ramsay brothers made ghouls with distorted faces famous, the only kind of phantom we knew was the women (often, she had been raped and had committed suicide) who draped herself in a white saree and, candle or lamp in hand. Wandered around abandoned havelis with a completely blank expression on her face. Long loose hair was a must. Bees saal Baad (what a coincidence! That's our headline). Woh Kaun Thi and Mahal are good examples.

22. DIE HARD

What with last minute instructions, advice and emotional blackmail, a dying person in a Hindi movie seldom took less than 20 minutes to actually pop it. Lying feebly on the bed with barely enough breath to stay alive, the dying person would extract several aakhri khwaishs and aakhri wadas from his or her suffering relatives who agreed just to get it over with. And then the dying person would collapse. A piercing “Nahin!” would follow and a nurse (if the person died in a hospital), would cover the dead person's face with a sheet. Contemporary twist: The deathbed speech can the video-taped and uploaded on You Tube where thousands of people all over the world can see it, hear it and vote on its power.

23. JAILHOUSE ROCK

Central Jail exists only in Bollywood. But we've seen it so often in movie like Sholay, Guide and Aradhana that we recognize it instantly. Usually, the people who emerged from the small door cut into the massive gate of Central Jail had been wrongly jailed. Sometimes the newly released person was the hero; he'd walk out with his jacket hooked lightly over his shoulder, and light a cigarette.

http://i.indiafm.com/img/feature/07/aug/ramu4.jpg

24. BEASTLY TALES

Were other people struggled to deal with the trials and tribulations of our hero or heroine's lives, their pets-who frequently understood and empathized with their masters' emotions, sometimes to the extent of bursting into tears-were very clear about one thing. They would do what they could to save their masters, no matter what the cost. So when Poonam Dhillon's character in Noorie was raped and committed suicide, it wasn't just the hero who avenged her, but her pet dog. When Dhillon's character in Teri Meherbaniyan was raped, once again it was a dog this time assisted by a snake, that brought the villains to book. In Haathi Mera Saathi, the elephant not only improved the hero, Rajesh Khanna's life, but also died saving his master's child; and in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Tuffy, the Pomeranian, is the cupid who gets Salman Khan and Madhuri Dixit Together. But the most famous animals in Hindi movies is Dhanno from Sholay. Not only did the horse give Basanti Company, but it also did its best to save her from Gabbar's men.

25. THE END

With these words on the screen, the director told us loud and clear that the story had ended and it was times for the audience to go home. This story, too, has ended.

[udheen]

good story...

[cupids_here]

superb!!! :D

[pepperland]

Trying to figure out how things work here...

[subish]

thks.................................

[arnab127]

nice share

[Angel]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v730/havi58/ABJOKE.jpg