View Full Version : COMPUTER JOKES
Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Great news for Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.
Computer history of the world
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
General Protection Fault
Diary of a computer lamer
July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which I've heard is the best online service I can get. I can't connect, I don't know what is wrong.
July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 20
I bought the modem, I couldn't figure out where it goes though, it wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.
July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. He's so smart.
July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. I'm confused.
July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.
July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.
July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasn't sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.
July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didn't know spiders grew that large.
July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasn't sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.
August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didn't have to use profanity.
August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited, I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.
August 3
I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.
August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an "aol" is, however.
August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I cant find that group.
August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pre ssed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the
drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
12. And last but not least:
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v730/havi58/Mobile_Anti_Radiation_Kit.jpg
If you have been in IT industry too long these are your symptoms:
1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues".
2.) your prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4.) U keep trying to shut down your home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps).
5.) When your mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive thecall.
6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0"to get an outside
line.
7.) U haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
8.) your last crush was a girl in HR, your current crush is the new girl in HR and all your crushes in the future willbe girls in HR.
9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
10.) your important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find your PL sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
14.) U email your mate who works at the desk next to U.
15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to your friends who are also in IT.
16.)U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.)U r not sure so u scroll back check it .
18.)And now u r smiling!!!!
Am sure u did steps 16 to 18.
froglet127
12-05-06, 01:29 PM
loool funny ones :)
yes i did step 16-18 haha :blink:
Email Ids Of Indian Film Stars
===================
AbhishekBacchan: I_can_act_too@yuva.com
AmitabhBacchan: accept_any_role@after.kaunbanegacrorepati.tv
AnilKapoor: expert@copyingsouthindianmovies.com
SalmanKhan: why_do_I_always_get_into_trouble@needagirlfriend.c om
ShahRukhKhan: over_emotions@mostmovies.com
RamGopalVarma: same_formula@bombayunderworld.co.in
SunilShetty: hoping_to_be@indianarnold.com
AamirKhan: whats_up_with_the_hairstyle@mangalpande.com
AamirKhan(alternateaddress): married_or_not@toomanyaffairs.com
SaifAliKhan: goofy_roles@suitsmeperfect.com
HritikRoshan: main_aisa_kyon_hoon@howtheheckdoweknow.com
HritikRoshan(alternateaddress): main_aisa_kyon_hoon@askyourdad.com
AjayDevgan: finally_I_started_to_act@aftersomanyyears.com
BobbyDeol: noone_thinks_I_can_act@getanotherjob.com
Sunny Deol: He is still busy fighting Pakistani soldiers. Mail address is a secret.
Urmila: ramgopalvarma_has_forgotten_me@nomorerangeela.com
MallikaSherawat: I_dont_need_to_act@overexposureworks.com
AmishaPatel: Kaho_na_pyaar_hai@wasmyonlyhit.com
KareenaKapoor: oh_iam_so_cute_and_talented@nobodyelsethinksso.com
Raveena Tandon: waiting_for_third_umpire@stumped.com
The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
He he he... :D
Tumhari Computer Knowledge itni achhi hai mujhko maloom nahi thaa :P
Check this out...this guy does whatever you tell him to.
Some of the 'instructions' - stand, jump, kick, punch, cry,,
get angry...I'm sure he does other stuff too.............
http://www.subservientprogrammer.com/main.aspx>
http://www.subservientprogrammer.com/main.aspx
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"
The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
Future Desi Films ....Check Some "Future Desi Films ...Some Titles... "
Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
Hum Disconnect Ho Gaye Sanam,
Meri Hardisk Tumhare Paas Hai
Aao Chat Kare
Hum Hai Programmer Oracle Key
Programmer No 1
Mera Naam Developer
Badalate Platforms
Kuch Kuch Download Hota Hai
Kahani Keyboard Ki
Hum Aapke Memory Mein Rahate Hain
Har Kohi Jo Hack Ho Gah
Do(2) Processor Baarah(12) Terminal
Mera Code Chal Gaya
Har Din Jo Mail Karega
Khel Virus Ka
Aur Logout Ho Gaye
Virus Aur Antivirus
Yeh Raste Hain Internet Kay
Network Ke Ush Paar
Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
Jis Desh Mein Bill(Gates) Rahata Hai
Client Ek Numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
Onlinepan
Login Karo Sajana
Naukar PC Ka
Firewall (Border)
Net Bin
Meri Debugging
Restart To Hona Hi Tha
Tera Mera Program
Partition (Deewar)
Rehna Hai Tehre Inbox Main
1942 - A Bug Story
Kabhi Connect, Kabhi Disconnect
Raju Ban Gaya MCSE..!
Kaho Na Virus Hai
Computer Gender?
During a computer class, one of the students asked, "What gender is a computer." Instead of giving an answer, the Instructor split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer was male or female. The men's group decided that a computer was of feminine gender, due to the following:
1. No one understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine, for the following reasons:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Computer Gender?
During a computer class, one of the students asked, "What gender is a computer." Instead of giving an answer, the Instructor split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer was male or female. The men's group decided that a computer was of feminine gender, due to the following:
1. No one understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine, for the following reasons:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
desparado
04-03-08, 12:54 AM
some very funny jokes. LOL
barlines
15-05-08, 07:52 AM
i had a good laugh :)
deniz314
06-10-08, 08:53 PM
LOL nice one
thks.................................
arnab127
31-08-09, 06:59 PM
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]
krutharth
27-04-10, 02:55 PM
wow nice jokes.
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