View Full Version : FAMILY JOKES
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
************************************************** ***
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
************************************************** ***
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
************************************************** ***
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
************************************************** ***
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
************************************************** **
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
************************************************** **
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
************************************************** ***
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
************************************************** ***
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
The tradition at weddings
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
==================
young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
====================
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
==================
Before Marriage u're Azaaaadd butttttt after
marriage u're Barbaad.....
1) 1st Year of Marriage:
Husband speaks, wife listens.
2nd Year of Marriage:
Wife speaks, husband listens.
3rd Year of Marriage:
Both speak, Neighbours listen'...!
4)shaadi se pehle , " Maine Pyar Kiya "
shaadi ke baad , " Yeh Maine Kya Kiya "!!!!
A person who surrenders when he's WRONG,
is HONEST.A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE,
is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT,
is a HUSBAND.!
==========================
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense
========================
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or ! that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Tidy Housekeeper
================
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.
It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband
called from the hall, somewhat dismayed:
"Honey, what happened to the dust on this table?
I had a phone number written on it."
============================
A husband comes home after work and finds his wife frying eggs in the kitchen. He walks in and seeing her frying the egg starts yelling,
"CAREFUL ! CAREFUL !! MORE OIL !!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!
WE NEEED MORE OIL!!! HURRY UP! YOU ARE GOING TO STICK THEM!!
CAREFUL! CAREFUL!! TURN THEM! FAST FAST!! TURN THEM NOW !!!
HURRY UP!! ARE YOU CRAZY???? THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL !! YOU
DIDN'T PUT SALT?? ADD SALT NOW !!
The wife is very upset, "Well , what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling, I'm not deaf, and do you think i don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calms down and replies smilingly, "This is to show you what it feels like, when i am driving the car and you are sitting next to me."
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
KEEP READING.......
================================================== ========
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
The power mower was broken and wouldn't run; a lady kept hinting to her
husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived
home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house.
He was gone only a few moments When he came out again, he handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass", he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks".
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
LESSONS from MOM
-----------------------
My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have Wonderful parents like you do!"
MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE
NEXT 10 YEARS."
HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED.
IN HEAVEN, HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME.
YAMRAJ SAID, "SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET."
A man is caught in a traffic jam, when suddenly someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asked what he wants.
The man says, " Indian Cricket Team is kidnapped and the ransom is 50 million dollars.
If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the Team with Petrol and set them on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to contribute ?
The man in the car asks, "On an average what are people donating ?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 litres....!!"
One day, three consultants, one from Wipro, one from Infosys and one from TCS, went out for a walk. They were old buddies from engg college, and they were together for a college reunion.. For no apparent reason, they went into this zoo and passed a monkey. Being in the same business and from the same college, there was a little bit of a peer competition going on between themselves - they couldn't resist testing themselves against each other - especially the Infosys guy. Said he to the others: "Why don't we prove who is the best among ourselves?". Why not, said the other two.
The Infoscion said "Let's have a test. Whoever makes this monkey laugh, works for the best firm". By mutual agreement, the Infoscion took the first turn. Being a pure logical strategist, the Infoscion tried to make the monkey laugh by telling jokes. The monkey stayed still.
As a more practical consultant, the Wipro guy tried to make funny gestures... no good, the monkey stayed put...Now, comes the TCSer... being the practical guy he was always trained tobe, he whispered something into the monkey's ear, and it burst out laughing at him. The other two were astonished. How did this TCS guy manage to beat them? No way they were going to accept defeat so easily.
So the Wipro guy said "OK, let's take another test. Let's make this monkey cry !!" So there they went again, applying the same methods as before. The Infosys guy narrated sad stories, the Wipro guy made sad gestures, and they failed again...Then, the TCSer again whispered something into the monkey's ear and lo! It started crying, patting the TCSer's shoulder! The other two just could not believe their eyes! so the Infoscion said "OK, you've won twice.
If you can win just this one, we will bow to you. Let's make this monkey run". And he barked at the monkey and ordered him to run. Of course, it stayed where it was. The Wipro guy, true to his type, pushed and prodded the monkey- still No go. So...here comes our TCS guy, again, and whispers into the monkey's ear. The monkey just takes off! It runs and runs as fast as it can, as if it was scared to death! The other two surrendered. Said they: "OK, we give up. You're the best among us, and you work for the Best firm of the three. But please, please tell us your secret," they begged him.
"Well", said the TCSer, "The first time I made it laugh, I told it I work for TCS. The next time, I told the monkey how much I get paid...so it started crying. And then I told him that I was here for recruitment!!!
One rainy day our Bhola was travelling by his new Ferrari car. He was not a very good driver and so, did not have complete control on it. Mike tyson was also riding his bike on the same road. At a speed breaker Bhola's car came in contact with Tyson's bike. Tyson got very angry.
He dragged Bhola out of the car and threw him a few yards away from the car. Tyson then drew a small circle around Bhola and shouted "Hey !! It's not easy for you to damage my bike and get away. Now I will be thrashing your car. You should stay inside this circle and watch me smash your car. If you come out of the circle, I will kill you immediately".
Then Tyson turned towards the car and he smashed its side indicators. Then he looked at Bhola. Bhola looked at Tyson sarcastically. Tyson's anger grew and he smashed the window panes and then again looked at Bhola. Bhola grinned at Tyson. Tyson was confused. Tyson could now not at all control his anger and he broke the side doors and tore away the seats of the car. Then he again looked at Bhola. Bhola was laughing so hard that he could hardly stand.
This time Tyson came to Bhola and he told "oh! what is this? I am spoiling your expensive car and you are so happy about it?"
Bhola replied "Every time you turned towards the car I was out of the circle and you did not notice it. I have fooled you. You are a fool ..."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history:
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
She said. "Very good!" Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982"
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit]"
The
teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991"
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "[California Congressman] Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." (The teacher fainted.)
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
Suzuki said, "Americans,... in Iraq".
Originally posted by ankit@Sep 29 2005, 04:48 PM
A man is caught in a traffic jam, when suddenly someone taps on the window of his car. He lowers the window and asked what he wants.
The man says, " Indian Cricket Team is kidnapped and the ransom is 50 million dollars.
If the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have threatened to douse the Team with Petrol and set them on fire. We are taking up a collection, do you wish to contribute ?
The man in the car asks, "On an average what are people donating ?"
The other man replies, "About 5 to 10 litres....!!"
<div align="right">1028
[/quote]
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
Hindi teacher asks : Kaal Kitne prakar ke hote hain?
Santa answers: Local Kaal, STD Kaal, Trunk Kaal, ISD kaal & sasria Kaal
Once in an exam hall in a remote village, a boy was continuously peeping at another students answersheet. The subject was English. The teacher noticed him & asked as to what was he trying to copy when the question paper was not delivered.
The boy answered that it was the spelling of English.
Santa once went for an exam .On reading the first question he quickly took off his shirt.
On reading the second Q he took off his pants.This went on till he was left only in his underwear.
Finally the examiner came and asked him, "Santa why have u taken off all ur clothes".
Santa cooly replies,"OYE MEIN KYA KARU YAAR IT'S WRITTEN HERE ANSWER IN BRIEF".
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.
Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : Raghu! You cannot sleep in my class!!
Raghu : I can, if you lower your voice a bit!
To my loving wife!
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong email address, and without realising his error, he sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I’ve reached safely
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send emails to our loved ones.
I’ve just reached safely and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine...
Q1. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )
Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)
Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ?? why ?? :-)
Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener
Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'. Which
movie did he really want to see?
Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai!
Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!
Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ??
Socho...............
Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?
Ans:- adidas
Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village and in between comes a well. Luv falls into the well. Why ?
Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!
Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.
Ans:- Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!!!!
Want one more...
Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??
Ans:- D'Cold chain ki saans - D'cold
Q10. chalo ab batao... Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? this is quite
simple..
Ans:- D'Cold again kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi
Q11. Jugal Hansraj and Mayuri Kango bus stop par khade the. Bus aayi -
Mayuri gayi, magar Jugal nahin gaya - kyon?
Ans:- Because Mayuri 'can - go'.
Ek aur..
Q12. Sharukh Khan aur Kajol bus stop pe khade hain. Kajol chali gayi, par Sharukh bus pe nahin chada - kyon?? think harder...
Ans:-Kyonke woh Kajol ko chhodne aaya tha. Ha, ha, ha... Ek aur muaka de hi dete hain tumhe
Q13. kamal ,vimal do bhai they,dono bus stop pe khade the.. bus aai vimal chad jata hai per kamal nahin jata hai why???
Ans :- Kyonkieeeeee bus per likha tha ONLY VIMAL !!!!!
aur chhaiye...theek hai
Q15. Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus stop pe khade the... bus aai aur Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke wait kar raha tha
aakhri sawaal ....
Q16. Amitabh aur Pran dono bus estop pe khade the...bus aai aur Pran chad jata hai per Amitabh nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- pran jaye per bacchan na jaye
Chalo last one ha !
Q17.Kapil Dev goes to Echo point and shouts loudly "Pamolive" But there dont come any echo sound why ?
Ans:- Because Palmolive ka jawab nahi !!
Speeding???
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Movies for students:
For party-Main hoon na
exams-Socha na tha
Classes-Kabhie Kabhie
Question papers-Na tum jaano na hum
Copying-Yaarana
physics1-Mission impossible
Physics2-Asambhav
1st session of exam-Kuch to hai
2nd session-yeh kya ho raha hai
3rd session-Josh
Distinction-Kal ho na ho
First class-Raju ban gaya gentleman
Fail-phir milenge
1GF-Koi mil gaya
2GF-Kwahish
3GF-Main aisa hi hoon
4GF-Lucky,no time for love
djpaddystudio7
16-10-05, 07:53 PM
wow so many funny ones , some new some old...
Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night.
a.. But everybody looks funny naked!
b.. You woke me up for that?
c.. Did I mention the video camera?
d.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
e.. Can you please pass me the remote control?
f.. Do you accept Visa?
g.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
h.. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
i.. Do you get any premium movie channels?
j.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
k.. But I just brushed my teeth...
l.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
m.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
n.. Did I remember to take my pill?
o.. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
p.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
q.. You're almost as good as my ex!
r.. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
s.. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
t.. I have a confession...
u.. You can cook, too right?
v.. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
w.. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
The Smart Farmer
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by,
the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and
so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six
a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and
killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these
crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign
that said SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've
got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign
seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up
a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. But that sped them up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the
signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no
good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in
order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing,
put up your own sign."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he
decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those
drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.
I've
got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd
better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be
something that WE could use to slow! down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
*** Go slow and watch out for the chicks ***
Wow u get lotsa mails each day? :D
Love Marriage
Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.
Arranged Marriage
Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted.
Love Marriage
It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.
Arranged Marriage
Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible
Love Marriage
Family system hangs because hardware (called parents) is not responding.
Arranged Marriage
Compatible with hardware (Parents).
Love Marriage
You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life.
Arranged Marriage
You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.
Love Marriage
Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.
Arranged Marriage
All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.
Love Marriage
Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.
Arranged Marriage
Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!
Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive.... Yet one never knows when it will crash....
Arranged Marriage is like Unix... boring n colorless... still extremely reliable
Funnier Side
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're PRETTY UGLY!
Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why?
Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"
Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
mayukhbd
07-03-07, 02:53 AM
thamnks
Powered by vBulletin™ Version 4.0.7 Copyright © 2012 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.