Before Amitabh Bachchan's contract for Kaun Banega Crorepati Star plus has taken some auditions for anchor, here are a few new auditions for the show.

Nana Patekar : Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega. Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.

Shatrughan Sinha : Khamosh ! Bihari babu ke saamne zaban chalata hai. Tera cheque phaad ke phek doonga.

Dharmendra : Galat jawab ! Kutte Kameene, main tera khoon pee jaoonga.

Amrish Puri : Sahi jawab ! Mogambo khush hua!

Amjad Khan : Kitne options the Chaar! Soover ke bachchon! Chaar chaar options! Bahut na-insaafi hai! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kaya hoga kaaliya?

Sanjay Dutt : Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

Raj Kumar : Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.

Jagdeep : Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.

Mithun Chakraborty : Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.

Kesto Mukherji : Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai. Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

Jeetendra : Lekin kyoon? ( groan ) Aap aisa kyoon kar rahe hai? (whine) Aap kabhi bhi game chod kar jaa sakte hai.

Ashok Kumar : To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp ), yahan se Rs. 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log ( croak )

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

The Filmi Style Love - Letter
From : Hero No.1

Subject: Yeh Prem Patra Padhkar, Tum Naraz Na Hona...

Adress:Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear 'Anamica':
You must be surprised to receive this 'Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
'Pahechan' to you as 'Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
'Awaara', I am also your 'Deewana'.
I am making you a 'Prarthna' to enter my 'Zindagi' as a 'Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any 'Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
'Dream Girl' with 'Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only 'Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by 'Tyag' or to go the 'Rangeela' way.
Wouldn't you like to be 'Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are 'Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will 'Guide' me in 'Bahar' as we are made for 'Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.
We will live in 'Naya Zamana' where we will have a 'Suhana Safar'. In this
'Himalay Ki God Mein', our 'Bandhan' is going to tied with 'Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but 'Anand' in 'Ye Dillagi'.
Aren't you bored of 'Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this 'Baazigar' be your
'Boy Friend' and we start 'Pehli Mohabbat'. This 'Chahat' is going to lead
to a 'Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for 'Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, 'Phir Kab Miloge' as 'Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
'Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our 'Mulakat' will be 'An Evening in Paris'.
'Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!
'Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'

-- A Prem Pujaari

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

If Titanic Was Made In India

•There would be 10 times as many people in the ship

•There would be a song with Kate Winslett in a white sari, singing in the rain.

•By the end of the movie, hero would find his long lost Mom, Dad, sis and bhai

•It would be a seven-and-a-half-hour movie with three intervals. The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya to Marna Kya?"

•The hero and the heroine would float in the cold water for days and still survive while the villain would die in the first few drops.

•The iceberg was sent by the heroine’s father to teach a lesson to the hero.

•None of the women would float because of the saris.

•The orchestra would play Jai Santoshi Maa and a ray of light would come and transport the musicians to another ship.

•And can you imagine how many times we would heard bachaoo?

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

BOLLYWOOD CALLCENTRE
=================

Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao

jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh

likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga..

Dharmendra: Thank you for callllllliiiiingggg.....
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa...
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep

hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...


Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega....

Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai

manager... manager se hum nahi...

Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone....

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Rules for Bollywood films:
1) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
3) Nothing is too tight for Madhuri.
4) The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
5) Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
6) Village girls who live among cows and sheep have perfect skin and teeth.
7) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the chick.
8) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero with machine guns, yet they will always miss. Every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will knock down at least ten opponents in a line.
9) If you decide to start dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.
10) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) You can always find a trimurti when you need one. (as in Anjaam)
12) If faced with certain death, do not panic. Merely chant, Ganpati Baba, and after a few short bolts of lightning, all will be well.
13) A heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one song, however short.


Have you ever wondered what would be in "Titanic" if the same was made
in Bollywood?

The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay". Well here it goes!

* Madhuri has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as JJJJJ JJJ
Jack.Madhuri's fiance would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man"
everytime he sees Shahrukh.

* Amitabh Bacchan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain
and would be waltzing with Madhuri during the party. Of course, he would
not
die.

* Shahrukh will be travelling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from
college plus 50 extras who are well trained with every dance sequence in
the world.

* The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of
editing,there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in CD album.

* The ship would be overflowing with extras whom you normally find in
movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta.
The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of
excessive on-board population.

* The infamous lovemaking in the back seat of the car would be replaced
with
a song in the Swiss Alps.

* Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister from being raped during
chaos.The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will
also get a song or two.

* Remember Rose changing her mind about jumping into the water? In our
case,Madhuri changes her mind, since...since... the ship is moving along a
creek and the water stinks!

* How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting
Madhuri's portrait with Madhuri fully covered minus the locket (Censors
yaar!).
This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in a
art
gallery.

* Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the
ship.Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how
Gulshan troubled them. Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon
peejaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.

* There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Annu
Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.

* Most important!! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo"
would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.And the
masterpiece would be waste of time...ooops waste of money without...

* "Raaaabert...Captain se ja ke kaho ke agar apni maa or bahen ko zinda
dekhnachahte ho to naav ko Hindustaan kee sarhado se hamesha hamesha ke
liye bahoootdoor le le."


How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?...with some shady inputs

The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon." abi saala school ka admission ka jhanjhat, chaddi diaper etc
The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in Hindi films :" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...." The idiot may not have heard of credit cards.
A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say : "Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....." To itna din kya hila raha tha
Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein." lekin aap ka woh nahi
Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti " tho maar jaa saaali
Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai" followed cheers cheers
Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai" again cheers cheers
Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga." Geeta is the shahi kaamwali
Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey" saala mera promotion
Raam Raam kaaka" * " Jug Jug jiyo beta "
Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe " no wonder Tezaab was a hit
Typical farmer ka dialogue : " mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai " kya karegaa barsaat hui nahi na
Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : " Main kahan hoon?" Grant Road mein
Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein" chalo Zohrabai ke ghar

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

This is when Amitabh Bachchan got fit after his long illness.....

One fine morning he told his drvier
"Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge.., tum peechhe baitho"

Driver said, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."

Amitabh replied, "Are meri tabyat thik ho gayi hai, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau?, dialogue, fighting karke dikhau?.....Hain?"

Ok then he starts driving the car very fast....zoooooooooom

Breaks one red signal...

Breaks second red signal....

Breaks one more red signal...

Then a traffic Hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road.

Hawaldar said, "Aye Driver! Chalo liscence dikhao, PUC aur Gaadi ke kagzaaat bataao..."

Then he see amitabh "Aray! Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is very surprised to see him....

Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....

Hawaldar - "Sir, aap jaldi yaha aa jaaiye... naake par..."

Senior Official - "Kyun kya hua??"

Havaldar - "Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda hai, aur maine us gaadi ko side me khada rakha hai"

Senior Official - "Haan! To phir?"

Hawaldar - "Sir, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi hai sir.... mein uska chalaan nahi faad sakta aap khud yahaa aaiye.., ho sake to Commissioner Sahab ko bhee le aaiye"

Senior Official - "Kyun? Kaun MAALIK Hai uss gaadi ka?"

Hawaldar - "Woh To Pata Nahi Sir par Usne hai na sir..AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HAI....".

__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.