Warnings in general 


The surgeon general is an ethereal thing. He is a lot like the minister for animal husbandry, we know he exists but we're not sure what he's up to or why he exists.
We only know the surgeon general from the warnings he gives us on the back of cigarette packets, which don't seem to be working to begin with, given the increasing consumption of cigarettes and tobacco products.
I was wondering, how life would be if the surgeon general was more proactive or if his job had a larger scope. Under those circumstances, I suspect these are the kind of warnings he will be issuing, with substantial amounts of his own gyan thrown in. I offer some examples.
On cigarette packets
Are you freaking illiterate or what? How many times do I have to tell you that smoking kills? What kind of indicator do you want? Would it help if the guy selling you cigarettes had his blackened lungs hanging from his belt? You stop smoking now or I will come there personally and whack you!
On music
Himesh Reshammiya is injurious to your health. Pulling your hair out everytime you hear a remix will not make it stop, it will only make you bald. Everybody cannot sound like R D Burman. Please stop trying, you are making a fool of yourself. Your mehbooba growl sounds like flatulence.
On Bollywood
Abhishek, Sunil Shetty and Emraan Hashmi can carry off stubble. You look like a wanted criminal. Please shave.
A hero jumping off a building is actually a trained stuntman jumping onto a big air bag. Please don't try to imitate him, you will either make an ass of yourself or die, maybe both.
Just because Salman Khan can patao any girl he wants, doesn't mean you can. Control yourself, aur aukaad mein rehna.
Complaints about Bombay
Once you're done complaining about Bombay, why don't you shift to Tehran, why don't you return to your native village, and take the Bachchans with you.
Self service is best service. The best way to fill up a pothole is to lie down in it. Please do the needful.
On weight
Not only are you unhealthy, you are taking up too much space in an already crowded city. Lose weight now.
You are not rich, not handsome, not powerful, at least be thin.
Out of the desired attractive features of thin, rich, handsome, fair, powerful and tall, the easiest to achieve is thinness. Try it.
On stockmarket
The entire stockmarket awaits with bated breath for you to invest today so it can fall tomorrow.
Your broker makes his brokerage commission whether you buy or sell, whether you make money or lose it. Remember that when you trade.
In the long term the market goes up, in the short term your blood pressure does. Buy long term, sleep well.
Back to cigarettes
If you are going to insist on smoking, at least don't smoke smuggled foreign cigarettes. Not only is it injurious to your health but you are also encouraging illegal activities, the government makes no tax revenue and local cigarette companies lose revenue and profits. If you are going to die from smoking anyway, at least die a patriot.